Against the Giants

My Journal, by Staycee Orcington, age 15

Diary of a Minion

[The following are extracts from a hand-written book taken from the dead body of a slightly smaller-than-average looking orc guard. It had been carefully covered in pink paper and decorated with feathers and other girly accroutments, and the writing was obviously girlish]

4th Coldeven, 612 CY

ITS SO UNFAIR! Just because I’m a girl, I have to work in the kitchens! I told dad I wanted to be a mine guard like Uncle Harvey before he got promoted to the smithy and went all posh, but no, I have to wait tables and prepare food in the kitchens.

It’s not like I’m any good at preparing food, anyway. I mean, who fries dwarf leg – everyone knows it’s tough and has to be boiled in a stew!

7th Planting, 612 CY

It’s been over a month since I was old enough to work and I’ve been stuck in the stinky kitchens all that time but today, I managed to speak to Nosnra’s wife, Morzul and she promised to speak to The Keeper to see if there were any vacancies downstairs with the guards.

12th Planting, 612 CY

EWWWW! The worlds hairiest hill giant showed up today and made a pass at me. His name is Varrg and he stunk like his hunting dogs.

17th Planting 612 CY

Varrg came by again today. I think he likes me because he’s come by every day this week – sometimes more than once. When you get past all the hair and the dog smell, he’s not so bad really. He’s funny and strong and smart and he makes me laugh.

19th Planting 612 CY

Varrg has invited me out of the Steading for a picnic in the hills. I don’t know whether I should accept – can it ever work between us? He’s old enough to be my father and big enough to eat him whole!

21st Planting 612 CY

I accepted Varrg’s invitation and we went for a beautiful romantic picnic this afternoon. Varrg is soooooo dreamy. He smells lovely – like a beautiful beast!

22nd Planting 612 CY

PROMOTED! Morzul really came through – or was it Varrg? I got that job with the guard downstairs. My first guarding job will be to help the stone giants guard a bunch of dwarf slaves in the mines! The Keeper said it’d be easy work but I can do it! Varrg has to leave today on another raid, but I told him I’d be thinking of him, and I gave him a goodbye kiss, and he never even tried to use his tongue! He’s such a gent! He asked me to elope with him on his return!

27th Planting 612 CY

Guard work is easier than kitchen work! The dwarves seem to enjoy digging – except that one with the funny name – Kurrek-Drong – he’s gonna be trouble, I can tell. The other orc guards still treat me like a fragile thing so they are keeping that dwarf far away from me.

29th Planting 612 CY

I can’t wait! Varrg is back tonight or tomorrow! I have decided to accept his invitation. We’re going to leave this place behind and elope! Nobody will understand how an orcess and a hill giant can love each other so, but we’ll show them! Father will be furious but Varrg will threaten to eat him if he doesn’t let me leave!

The margins of the diary are filled with scribbled hearts and phrases like “I (heart) Varrg”, “Varrg 4 eva!”


Well, now she doesn’t have to worry if it’ll work out any more…


You evil, evil person! First you brutally murder a poor defenceless (albeit lovesick) girl, then you rub it in. I wouldn’t want to be you when you meet Varrg :)


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