Against the Giants

Th' adventures ay Wee Mad Malin an' some other Scunners.

Th' case ay th' enormoos fire giant which malin deals wi' aw by himself.

Sae we strolled casually intae thes huge torture chamber. Ah led frae th’ front, takin’ mah pit minotaur wi’ me. he’s bin quite a guid loon recently. Sae anyway, thaur waur orcs an’ dwarfs haverin’ aroond lazilly, Ah reckon th’ dwarfs micht hae bin slaves, but ah dornt caur coz yoo’re nae supposed tae beat them up. Th’ massife fire giant an’ th’ orcs though waur fair game, sae ah thooght eh’d gie warmed-up by runnin’ tois ay th’ orcs ben wi’ mah spear. och aye, ye heard me – Ah killed tois orcs oan a body charge ay mah spear. hoo is ’at fur awesome.

It was at thes point ah hink Ash did somethin’ wi’ a few o’ his bampot arrows, as he tickled th’ fire giant a wee bit, an’ while he was distracted ah decided tae charge it… but Ash main hae dain somethin’ tae provoke th’ giant back in mah direction, coz th’ giant managed tae accidentally pick me up wi’ his white-hot tongs… accidentally. it did sting a wee bit, but ah managed tae gie heem th’ slip mair than easily efter ah chibbed it puckle times wi’ mah trusty spear.

Theseus, obvioosly havin’ seen th’ giant pick me up wi’ it’s flamin’ instrument ay torture, decided tae come tae mah aid, e’en thocht ah didne need it, but nevertheless charged th’ giant wi’ a cunnin’ swin’ ay th’ hammer, knockin’ it flat. Way tae go you lumberin’ ox!

Fightbrain did a body ay his a bampot fightbrain-y things, coz th’ giant an’ a body ay th’ orcs decided they hud a raither mingin’ headache aw ay a sudden, th’ giant ‘en decided tae flin’ itself intae th’ dyke. bapit dobber.

Vogue suddenly popped it ay nowhaur an’ decided tae hae a gang at a body ay th’ orcs, but missed, ach, she was reit pished. Lookin’ loch a dug lickin’ piss aff a nettle. Ah felt bad fur ‘er as she’d nae hud ‘er heed screwed oan reit aw efternuin it seemed. Mebbe luck will turn in ’er favoor in th’ next battle… Thames was equally inept as he rushed straecht pest th’ giant. Ah pure techt, fa charges a giant an’ misses? Nae me! That’s fur sure! As Ah was continuin’ tae be barry as aye.

Uir magic bodie decided ‘at noo woods be a guid time tae hurl some offensife spells at uir opponent, chuckin’ a magic missile frae halfway athwart th’ room at an unsuspectin’ orc while his stoatin flamin’ dug tried tae tak’ a bite roarin’ fu’, thocht his dug wasnae exactly oan f’rm.

Ash managed tae fire puckle arrows at it, which is aw weel an’ guid if yoo’re a poof ay a ranger. Th’ giant retaliated wi’ its fist, thocht fightbrain managed tae gonnae-no it… somehaw… usin’ his brain. Ah still dornt ken hoo he diz it, hoo can ye hurt a giant withit yer fists?

Vogue th’ wonderhorse managed tae tak’ a swin’ at th’ giant, but missed spectacularly, his fizzog gie a job hauntin’ hooses efter ‘at. Ater which, ah boarded mah trusty steed ay a minotaur, fa ’en gored th’ giant loch his life depended oan it, a stoat bit ay violence if ah ever saw it.

Meanwhile th’ puir flamin’ dug managed tae dae somethin’ reit fur a change by burnin’ an orc tae death simply by bein’ in its vicinity. Ah laughed at ‘at, puir hin’ didne e’en ken it was bein’ helpful. next time ah see it i’ll feed it some watter o’ life.

At ‘at point ah cannae pure min’ whit happened coz ‘at big daftie poet-bard cam back in. he pit me aff mah stride sae ah wasnae able tae perf’rm as well as ah otherwise woods hae. anythin’ he says is lies an’ fabrication. Th’ Scunner.


Love it, even if it does make my brain hurt trying to decipher it :) Next week, we’ll see if we can get some other perspectives


I think that gave me an aneurysm.


Ach, no! Fightbrain, we need ye’!


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